


Fifty Shades of Grey Wardens

by tmonk



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Androgynous Sarcastic Hawke is best Hawke, Attempt at Humor, Dragon Age Kink Meme, Fanfiction about characters reading fanfiction, Fanfictionception, Fluff and Humor, Metafiction, Multi, One Shot Collection, Questionable Sandwiches, Solas is that chick that we all know..., Unhealthy Relationships, book clubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:59:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3245459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmonk/pseuds/tmonk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the Kink Meme:  From the author of "Hard in Hightown", "Swords and Shields" and "Tale of the Champion" comes a new book: "Fifty Shades of Grey Warden". A short story collection about Wardens and their well hidden... secrets.   Now I want to see the Wardens' reaction for said book. (E.g. The book becomes so popular, that people are demanding a sequel. Meanwhile some Wardens realize that the Chantry Mothers are staring at them weirdly for some reason. Finally they book falls into their hands as well and they find it so full of bullshit. They read it at loud while camping in the Deep Roads/in the library of Weisshaupt Fortress/whatever.  Bonus points for warden Carver/Bethany realizing they're one of the characters in the book. As well as Anders. Or Nathaniel. Basically any warden Varric has ever met. They sit there and hope nobody else will made the connection. )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He watched her as she stood alone, lost in all the chaos of the camp. He had seen elves before, but never one nearly as frail looking as this. His eyes wandered over her petite form, picturing himself licking sensuously from the bottom of her ear to the tip, grasping her hands behind her back and pushing her against a wall in the tower. He could feel the warmth of her tight core around his quivering member, his inner taint screaming at him to go to her, take her. He shook his head, chiding his inner taint to quiet down and breaking himself from his revere. This was to be his sister in arms, for Maker’s sake! Still, something about her made him want to rip that innocent aura in half and take her in a fashion fit of for a warden.  
  
Michah pushed himself through the throngs of soldiers, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder and clearing his throat. She jumped, turning and craning her neck to meet his eyes. Michah smiled down at the girl, clearing this throat as he removed his hand.  
  
“Welcome, Recruit Swan. I..er… Commander Horatio…. Spoke highly of your abilities….”  
  
He stumbled through his words, suddenly unsure of why he bothered stepping forward in the first place. Recruit Swan looked nearly as lost as he did. His training as a Templar caused him to pick up on her startled state reaching for the fade. His inner taint was kicking him in the mental shins, telling him to say something else, anything else.  
  
“You don’t happen to be a mage…..”  
  
Her eyes went wide and she shifted her head down, a faint blush creeping up from beneath her robes. “I am guessing you are Warden Michah?”  
  
Her voice was soft, quiet, modest. As she spoke his name, he imagined the sort of depraved acts that would cause her break, scream his name in a perfect cacophony of pleasure and pain. He was back in the tower, her against the wall as he took a strip of leather to her no doubt markless backside.  
  
He didn’t realize he was gawking, he didn’t know how long he had been. Recruit Swan shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. It was not until a bustling merchant tripped into his back that he broke back into reality, stumbling forward and reaching to steady himself on the first thing he could grab. Swan let out a horrified gasp as two gloved hands found themselves grasping at her breast as he brought both of them down together. He laid on top of her, his hands not moving, the sounds of the camp coming to a still as all eyes shifted….

 

* * *

 

“…to the accident prone Templar practically molesting the tiny elf under his grasp. To make matters worse, his body reacted to the sudden stimuli as any man’s would as his… his… Oh Maker!”  
King Alistair heard the sound of feet shuffling behind him, and slowly put the book down, his horrified eyes looking up to see Teagan glaring down at him. The Bann quirked an eye brow. “Pray tell, what is this inner taint you speak of?”

Alistair promptly threw book in his hands at his uncle’s head, the man swiftly ducking underneath it with a grin on his face. The king rolled his eyes, muttering something about it being utter nonsense. Teagan could only nod and agree, leaning over to snatch the book up.  
  
“I do believe Queen Cousland would be rather interested in this, Ser Michah.”  
  
The Bann quickly dodged out of the room before he found himself at the end of any more projectiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started a quick kink meme filled, and yet I ended up writing a second chapter... No idea where this is will end, but enjoy the trainwreck of metafiction until it does :)


	2. Chapter 2

Her body was doubled over, whimpering softly in her sleep. She had insisted on trying to keep going, it took Michah slamming a fist into a wall and demanding she stay put to give her wounds a chance to heal. The foreign bard that the group had picked up nearly swooned over at how angry in love Michah was with their leader, and the group had separated to give the two their space. 

* * *

“Wait… Slamming his fist into the wall equates to love?”

Surana looked across the fire at Nathaniel, who merely shrugged, and continued reading.

* * *

The wound she sustained was deep, a broken rib, claw marks that marred nearly to the bone. Fayle had poured as much healing energy into her as the elderly mage could, but she had reluctantly informed Michah that there may be no containing the blight if it took hold. His own inner taint had laughed at that, making it nearly impossible to keep a straight face. Little did Fayle know what secrets the wardens kept between themselves.

Swan made another noise in her restless state, and he looked back over to see her flopped over onto her back. An improvement from the fetal position she had been in for the last hour.   He looked noticed her robes that had been loosely draped over her body were separating in her midsection. The exposed flesh was colored with various bruises. He felt a stir….

* * *

“No. No no no no no… I’m just getting over being excited that I actually went to bed with clothing on so maybe I would STOP having sex with King Arsehat for a moment…..”  

Surana made a dramatic flop over onto her back. Nathaniel let out a small chuckle. “I can reading any time, you know…”

She waved a dismissive hand at her traveling companion. “Zev went through the trouble of sending me such a fine piece of literature. Maybe it gets better?”

Nathaniel cleared his throat and continued.

* * *

He felt a stir in his loins. He knew it was all wrong, but his inner taint was doing a provocative hip thrusting and gyrating dance in the elf’s direction.   Fayle had coved her chest in the process of bandaging the wound, perhaps he would just see if it was festering.   He leaned over, brushing her pale skin with his hand as he hooked his fingers around the bandage. A faint moan escaped her lips, her eyes opening but still glazed from the amount of healing energy that had gone into her earlier. She squirmed slightly under his touch, a hand reaching up and faintly trying to push Michah’s hand off.

He grinned at her attempt to steer him away. He knew she was secretly screaming yes. He leaned over her, planting his teeth against the skin on her neck and giving her a playful nip. His attention was received with a “No Michah… not tonight….”   He groaned with desire as his good judgment was overridden with her obvious want.  

His hands practically ripped her robe in half with his enthusiasm.   Swan had stopped her act of protesting, he could see the smile settle on her lips.   He helped her sit up to remove the remainder of her clothes, leaving her in nothing but the bandage the covered up the now hidden treasure of her chest. She looked to same something and he put a finger to her mouth, lowering his head to the knot that held it in place. With his talented tongue, he managed to undo the binding, letting it fall loosely to her sides.  

“Michah… this… I’m wounded, this can’t possibly work…”

His eyes flickered up to hers, and in a single movement he caught the middle of her bandage with his teeth, pulling it off of her.   With a cock of his head to the side, he threw it over his shoulder, grinning only for a moment before his gaze returned to the predatory look that could only mean he was….

* * *

“Okay, I’m officially noping the hell out of this…” Surana sat up, looking slightly nauseated. “She’s wounded, she’s saying no, she’s practically drugged, and this means yes? I keep thinking I can’t get more disturbed… There is no way people find this sexy.   I mean… Doesn’t Michah come across as a little….”

“Rapey. I would say rapey.”   Nathaniel grinned even more.

“Nate! Don’t joke about that…. But I suppose yes. Tad bit rapey. There is no way this is a healthy example of what a relationship is, imagine those poor souls reading this and thinking that THIS is a suitable replacement for unique tastes?”

Nathaniel found himself doubled over in laughter. “Unique tastes? Is that what you call it now?”

Surana stood up, heading towards her tent but not quite before hitting her friend upside the head.

“Liking things rough and being in an abusive relationship. And ripping off a blight infested bandage with his teeth!?  How is that sexy?  How is that _sanitary_? Not the same. Arsehat….”

Nathaniel’s hands went up defensively to where he was struck, feigning a pained expression for a slight moment. “No one said it is. Someone gets a kick out of this stuff, right?   Didn’t your gentleman friend say this was all the rage in Antiva?”

Surana rolled her eyes, continuing to her tent. “Gentleman friend?   Right…. Remind me to tell Zev you referred to him as a ‘gentleman.’ Add to the ‘Don’t send me any more books just because the main character is most likely a highly fictionalized version of his bella’ and the ‘Why don’t you be useful and find whoever penned this trash’ list.”

The warden could no longer hold in his laughter. “Sounds like someone’s inner taint is…”

The elf didn’t give him a chance to finish, and merely ducked into her tent and flashed him an obscene hand signal, letting him know she was done for the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Hawke sat at a table, enjoying the midmorning sun and a lazy start to her day. A pair of glasses perched on her nose, a mug billowing steam cradled in her hands, her eyes focused on a stack of papers. She lazily ran a hand through her short cropped hair, tussling it and not bothering to fix it. Her brow was slightly furrowed as she scanned the documents, shaking her head and making slight noises of disagreement. It was an utterly boring morning, indeed.

She felt a shift in weight on the table, her eyes looking up to behold her captain leaning on the table to straining to get a look at what had captivated her lover’s interest. Hawke raised her mug to Isabella with a warm smile. “Morning, darling. Sleep well?”

Isabella slunk down into the chair opposite Hawke, yawning and nodding. “Mmhmmm… though was much too cold after you left.”   Her eyes shifted to the papers again. “Anything good this time around?”

Hawke shook her head with a smirk. “Tis’ nothing but rubbish from Varric.   He’s been romancing Bianca for too long I don’t think he quite understands what actual living beings do beyond closed doors…” She flipped over a few pages. “..or in front of open ones, honestly…”

Isabella giggled. “Is that so? Can’t be all that bad, can it?” An olive hand darted out and deftly snatched a page of the draft.   It took only a moment before her giggling stopped. “Oh… Oh my.”   The paper lowered as brown eyes met green, before the two women broke into identical grins.

Hawke suddenly shifted through the papers, looking for a specific page. Finding her mark, she set down her mug, pushed her glasses up on her nose and began reading.

“Warden Santil knew it was only time before he was released from Commander Swan’s clutches, his warden needs being far beyond that of any normal wardens. He had imagined he would wander the country sides alone until the fabled desire lasting over a forte night that would drag him back into the deep roads. He had not imagined..” Hawkes eyes flashed up to Isabella’s and she licked her lips and put on an overly dramatic voice. “..finding the Sparrow.”

“An apt name!” Isabella cackled. “He really didn’t even try this time, did he?”

“I beg to differ! Sparrow is a man, darling.”

Isabella could only cackle more “Well then obviously not you…” Her eyes drifted over her androgynous lover. “So what is this desire lasting longer than a forte night again?   If that’s all Anders had to be mopey about I should have spat in his tea more often.”

“Izzy!” Hawke chided, straightening up and pushing her glasses to the top of her nose once more. “That is not very becoming of us.”

Isabella rolled her eyes, picking at a page from the middle of the stack. She skimmed a few lines and nearly choked on her own laughter. Gathering herself, she relayed to Hawke the scene before her. “Sparrow was the meat in Michah and Santil’s warden sandwich, their combined inner taints raising their fists in victory with each thrust. As Sparrow reached the peak of pleasure, he grasped onto the mage’s ponytail and yanked hard.   The three men spent themselves in unison, unable to comprehend what had just transpired mere feet away from the rest of their sleeping companions who were none the wiser. Twas Sparrow who broke the silence first. ‘Fuck. That was hot.’”

“I’m surprised it didn’t happen in a chantry. That dwarf seems to think I am such an uncivilized heathen, after all.”

Isabella reached over and gave her a tug on ear. “Now don’t be jealous, kitten. I’ll grab the portable man device and we’ll play warden sandwich later.”

Hawke picked up her mug again, about to respond when the sound of glass shattering behind her head took her attention away from the conversation at hand.

Across the murky bar, the first fight of the day had already broken out. “For fucks sake! Some of us are trying to have breakfast here!” Hawke grumbled to herself, standing and offering a hand to Isabella. “Remind me why I don’t want to play champion in shit stained Kirkwall again?”

Isabella took Hawke’s hand, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. “Fell in deep lust with a pirate?”  

The two women laughed, Hawke threw her glasses to the ground, and together they joyfully flung themselves into the fight at hand.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the OP is drunk and decides writing is a good idea. I apologize before hand and I will hopefully redo this draft when I have a moment because I am certain there may be someplace I may have a word. Enjoy the quickie update!

“Chapters ten through fifteen were assigned for this week. I’m assuming you have all read the required reading and are ready to discuss?”

Cassandra sat on a bench in the gardens, looking over the small group that had assembled for the weekly book club, waiting to see any hint of a wince indicating someone had not kept up on their required end of the bargain. Immediately a hand went up.

“I totally get this! Like, the inner taint isn’t actually a taint…”   Iron bull sat cross legged on the grass beside the gathering, being rather rude and not waiting to be called upon to discuss his opinion. “It’s like… The inner taint… It’s that voice inside of all of us.   I get this! Totally speaks to me.”

An audible groan came from his side, which the qunari chose to ignore.

“When I see that ginger in the kitchens… I’m just saying, my inner taint is definitely…”

Vivienne spoke up, cutting the voiceterous beast off. “That’s quite alright, Bull. I think we understand where you are coming from.”

The groan came again. At this point, it seemed like everyone in the group was doing their best to ignore the sound of judgment.

“Needs more drawings. You can say tits’n’ass all you want, don’ mean a thing without something to see. Stopped readin’ after four. Felt like a waste of my time, ain’ no use in wastin’ this month after reading that Maker of War rub Cully had us read last month.”   Sera threw her copy of the book in the middle of the circle. “Hogwash. All of it. Rather go’in find something warm myself, you talls can go’n debate inner fuckin’ taints all you please.”

“She speaks in a tongue not known, but I see she speaks the truth.”

The eyes of the gathering all shifted to the face of the one who consistently had been nay saying the group since Cassandra had chosen the reading for the month.

“The Egg sounds jealous. Just putting it out there…” Bull made no effort to hide his own guffaws.

“You speak nonsense. I simply did not care for the writing style. Has no one else doubted that Varric could have possibly penned such a piece of work?” Solas eyed each of the gathered carefully as they all sat quietly, waiting for his inevitable rant to subside. “Truly? The descriptions of the act of sex are enough to set the simplest of minds flurrying. How many times can one refer to ‘hot core’ or ‘love folds’ without it being borderline ridiculous? I dare say once would be enough.” The group continued to watch him in silence. “ _Dirthara-ma!_ He used the words 'quivering member' seventy eight times during the required reading alone!”

“Apostate…” the Seeker finally broke the tirade. “If you held such a disposition to the literature, how much could you have possibly read to form such a detailed opinion?”

Solas huffed at Cassandra, rolling his eyes. “All three of the serial, obviously.  How could one hold a belief so strongly in something one does not fully understand?”

“Pardon me, Solas. You despised the books, yet you read all three? What could you have possibly sought to gain from this, aside from a loss of your seemingly precious time to be brought down onto the level of us mere humans?” Vivienne quirked an eyebrow.

Solas shook his head at the enchanter, deciding on standing from his spot on the grass and heading away from the book club, muttering as he left. Bull immediately noticed what had been left in his stead and grabbed at the book.

“Anyone need an extra copy? The egg left hi.. WHAT THE HELL!?” Iron Bull froze in spot, icicles forming from his arm and neck, his mouth otherwise unaffected from the sudden spell.

The elf strode back, snatching the book from the qunari’s hands and quite literally sticking his nose up in the air as he walked away.

“I have no need to further justify my actions.” He shot a look to Cassandra over his shoulder. “Inform me if the meeting time or location changes next week, Seeker.”


End file.
